You would feel great because you are describing "unity"

I could make a lot of excuses about why I haven't updated my blog. Like that I've been super busy, traveling and having friends visit. But the truth is I just haven't felt like writing about my experiences. But today, I do. This is going to be a post of words and only words, because now I have a lot to say.

Over the past months I've been feeling shitty about my language acquisition. And I've been telling everyone about it. Because that's what I do, I share my thoughts and feelings, get advice, and try to make a choice and move forward. But I've felt stuck in the same place with my Spanish for a month now and it's more than frustrating. I tell friends here and back home that I know I've improved deep down, but right now I can't see how I've progressed. I can't point to a concrete conversation, experience, test, or anything and say, "Look what I've learned! Yay!" It's all happening inside me, slowly yet surely with each feeble attempt I make to communicate with those around me. I've always been a believer in "strive for understanding over being understood," but for almost eight months I've been striving equally for both. And let me tell you, it's exhausting.

I'm writing about this because at times I've felt very alone, having a pity party for myself that I'm not trying hard enough or that I have too many English speaking friends or that I'm just not good at learning another language or that I've been traveling too much and am just too damn tired. I know that everyone who has ever tried to do something valuable, worthwhile, something they really care about, that here are moments (sometimes months) of fear and doubt and excuses. What I have to keep reminding myself of is that that's okay! And when friends tell me that they've seen me progress and remember how little I could say in Spanish when we first met, they're not just trying to be nice. They're telling me the truth. Truth that I need to hear.

Another truth I've learned about language learning, besides excuses being natural but deadly, is that  I have to be intentional. Intentional not only about practicing speaking, reading, writing, and listening to Spanish, but intentional about not comparing myself to others and how much I've seen them progress. The moment I start comparing my Spanish to other native English speakers, my self-esteem and confidence are shot, and I forget that the point of learning another language is to communicate and understand, not to wow people with an impressive vocabulary and perfect grammar skills. I've seen the same thing happen to my students. One in particular, I'll call him Fernando, let's the pressure of taking the Trinity Exam squash all his efforts and progression in learning English. Most days when we meet one on one, he throws his hands in the air, shrugs his shoulders, and cries. Fernando tells me he doesn't know how to say it in English and gives up. And once he hits this point I know we're finished for the day and I tell him I feel the same because I'm learning another language too. This week Fernando refused to even meet with me, saying he doesn't want to learn English or take the exam. Why do we let the fear of failure and embarrassment keep us from learning? I see so much of myself in Fernando, throwing the towel in before trying. What Fernando forgets, and what I forget, is that we can communicate a lot even if our level is very low. I know how Fernando is feeling even if he can't tell me he feels sad and frustrated. The hard part is choosing not to give up, and being gentle with yourself on the days that you do.

In one of my private classes, I am reading The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky. My student recently read it in Spanish, so she knows the context and plot of the story, making it perfect for her level of English. I haven't read the book before, and I'm currently obsessed with Charlie and his mixed tapes and disfunctional family and  experiencing things for the first time. I read this part today, and thought it was a perfect description of how I've been feeling lately. . .and maybe always.

“I guess what I’m saying is that this all feels very familiar. But it’s not mine to be familiar about. I just know that another kid has felt this. This one time when it’s peaceful outside, and you’re seeing things move, and you don’t want to, and everyone is asleep. And all the books you’ve read have been read by other people. And all the songs you’ve loved have been heard by other people. And that girl that’s pretty to you is pretty to other people. And you know that if you looked at these facts when you were happy, you would feel great because you are describing 'unity.'
It’s like when you are excited about a girl and you see a couple holding hands, and you feel so happy for them. And other times you see the same couple, and they make you so mad. And all you want is to always feel happy for them because you know that if you do, then it means that you’re happy, too.”

Lastly, a friend sent me this article full of excellent tips, encouragement, and free resources for learning another language. All this to say, if you're learning a language or just thinking about it, take heart and do it! No more excuses.